i will not poison cairen wu - Bits and Banter [06⧸12⧸2026]

Name: i will not poison cairen wu - Bits and Banter [06⧸12⧸2026]
Uploaded: 2026-06-15
Channel: Librarian
Description: Full searchable transcript of "i will not poison cairen wu - Bits and Banter [06⧸12⧸2026]" — 311 lines, each linking straight to that moment on YouTube.

Librarian2026-06-15

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0:00 bro, i was so sad when it said, when i tried to make my twitch title this, it said, this may go against twitch's moderation policies. because it came to me in a bolt of providence while i was driving my car. i'm getting head in the back rooms, i'm fucking the babadook, i'm six inches deep in pennywise. i thought for sure, i was like, this is perfect! it's a perfect little amuse bouche to start the stream with.
0:29 and apparently geddon head is against the twitch tos. well, i think that there's some channels that need to get reported then. and geddon h** is not... it just doesn't have the same... geddon dome? geddon dome doesn't work because the song goes, i've got my head out the sungroof. yeah, i said sungroof. geddon brain? guys, shut up.
1:02 you don't know what you're doing. it has to be head. i'm not changing the power and potency of the joke to get it past fda regulations it's medicine if they don't want to sell it in stores, then we put this shit on the dark web okay, i can't let you get close. it's still funny it's one of the i posted it in the discord and i wouldn't say i got no sold bear posted
1:30 i can't let you get close and then a gif of phoenix wright which i considered to be like that was a pretty good interface with the joke. dan watched it and was laughing his ass off. i'm just asking you. you have to stop. you have to stop. please stop. i can't let you get close.
1:53 i don't know. i don't know how he hits it, man. i don't know how he hits it. i can't let you get close. every single syllable is enunciated so clearly. and then when the camera zooms back a little bit and you see that he's in the diesel jeans and the sandals.
2:16 it gets me every time, man. it gets me every time. one more, just one more. just one more. oh!
2:54 i posted this in the group chat and nobody gave a fuck. my grasp though, you are can i just tell you you are right and honestly i don't subscribe to the theory that like 90% of people are npc's i think that's rude, misanthropic and ignores the interiority that like other people have they all probably have their own hopes and dreams or whatever but when it comes to humor like there's a lot of humor npc's out there that will post like the worst skit of all time that's eight minutes long in the group chat and then get mad that you don't watch it
3:23 and then if you post the most perfect 11 second clip of all time, they're like, it's a little random or some shit like that. i don't know what yang means, man. so you're asking me, what are we playing today maybe? been booting up some crazy sentences in the app.
3:47 womenshi jizhi. i don't know why my app is like dropping me behind enemy lines and trying to get me like not killed or something like that. we are americans. we are journalists. zhi shi audible. wait, wait, is there a this is audible in chinese? did it translate audible literally? why are you calling me it? i'm a human being with personal pronouns.
4:18 now he knows about pronouns? i've never been anti pronoun, magresta. i just sometimes i default today just to try to keep myself, you know, as safe as possible. i'm not trying to make anybody's life get ruined or whatever. just anti my pronouns? magresta, i'm a very popular streamer. there's hundreds of thousands of people in chat every day. i'm doing my best, okay? there's so many thousands and thousands of individuals. i'm really trying to keep it all.
4:49 ordered. i'm genuinely doing my best. i mean the title is a great title, isn't it? i'm getting head in the deprezzo, i thought you might like this one because i bet you've heard this song. a lot of people in chat are like, i don't get it. they're trying to modify the song but they don't know the song because all they listen to is opeth, blackwater park type shit. so they're like, what if you change the meter so that it doesn't fit the fucking song at all? but i'm getting head in the back rooms, i'm fucking the babadook.
5:18 i'm six inches deep in pennywise tsunami sounded way worse than i thought from your singing. yeah, i think prozac is probably one of the worst bands of all time. that's not to say i don't like them. i like them because of the fact that i listened to them when i was 10 so they're locked in my brain somewhere but they are really really bad.
5:38 they're kind of like, i mean i bet there's some canadian guys who are like, oh you like gorillas? yeah, oh an animated band with a fictional mythology that makes really really good songs? oh i liked them more when they were called prozac. that's prozac with two zeds and a and a k on the end. i let on sexy while frustration and a loss of concentration. i don't wanna go to work my libido's gone berserk. i don't want nothing to eat.
6:05 walking up and down the street of only two weeks ago, you swore you'd never leave me. yo, nl, if you've got three spare audible credits after canceling, you should listen to the third reich trilogy. it builds a lot on the rise and the fall of the third reich, but with a much more accurate set of information as well as detailing with the societal and cultural impact of the regiment.
6:24 had on the different classes of people in germany at the time, thank you but you're too late i already got scolded for listening to william schreier's the rise and fall of the third reich and instead got put on to the third reich trilogy from the historian and i will say i was like what's your problem with this the rise and fall of the third reich and then they were like have you gotten to the chapter where he just is like extremely homophobic and i'm like
6:53 now listen, i've heard the whole book a hundred times but i've been asleep for literally 99% of it. and i went, okay, you know what? you got a point. and then i started listening to the other one instead and also falling asleep for 99% of it. but lately i've been listening to something about the history of the ancient world or something like that. and i'm doing the vince mcmahon thing every time i start a new chapter. then it goes like this.
7:24 in 710 to 703 and then i'm pausing and then it goes bce and i go, whoa! this shit was like 700 years before rome, bro. does he think bce means before rome? okay, easy chumbus. i associate rome with like the year zero and obviously it existed before and it existed after. the year zero is a pretty good marker for rome.
7:55 because there they did that shit to jc, my lord and savior. so obviously they were hanging there concurrently. the man's the empire that you was hanging with, that was in 33, pretty close to year zero. there is no year zero? okay, congrats. did you know what the fuck i meant? why is this website exclusively populated by people who corrected the teacher on their spelling mistake when they understood the spirit of what they were saying?
8:24 why is this website exclusively composed of the most annoying kid that like by inertia got added to your friend group even though the only thing they ever wanted to talk about is that the new millennium began in the year 2001 instead of 2000? like every single conversation. well actually we're only 25 years into the new millennium actually because it started in 2001. that's your discord? i know that's why i pick fights with them all the time.
8:52 that's why i pick fights with them constantly. they learned it from you? no, they didn't. i've been making fun of them for like a decade and a half. i think it's just baked in and trust me, i'm starting to realize there ain't much you can do about that. it did take me, i don't think that the, i don't think that misk liked it. i really don't think misk liked this, but they were picking a fight with the pelotoners and i said, you guys are literally the same people. the only difference is that the chatters in peloton get paid the posts like that and you're doing it for free.
9:23 nobody put it there was no laughing emoji, there was no cot, there was no anything underneath it. i think it just it hurt their feelings so bad they said like, man, fuck you. they're talking about you, talking about them in the discord? get it twisted, i'm the main character. everyone's a voyeur as they're watching me, watch them, watch me right now. laugh hard, it's a long way to the bank? unk doesn't know we got i got the damn app on my phone these days.
9:51 i will say i watched the first first off i mostly don't give a fuck about stuff like this, but america has ruined the beautiful game. what the fuck are you talking about? there's a hydration break 22 minutes into the first half the reason that soccer is so beautiful is the fact that you get 45 minutes of uninterrupted gameplay all of a sudden they're like, oh the professional athletes are thirsty. the professional athletes are so thirsty we have no choice but to
10:18 i'd give them a little cup of water while we play three minutes of advertisements. crazy, man! but then also, i was talking to my daughter and i was like, damn, you know that's in vancouver. yeah, yeah, that game's here right now. whoa, they did a good job. i will say the stadium's looking a little different.
10:36 i guess they did like some retrofitting or something and also i've never seen i don't know what angle they're they're having that shows none of downtown and also, the mountains are like in the distance i'm like they must be looking like seriously to like the northeast or something like that and then they were like from the beautiful estadio azteca in guadalajara and i went oh yeah. yeah my bad
11:00 i think our games today, i don't know. like i said, i don't really give a fuck but i know it's not going to stop you from posting the score in chat. world's least insane soccer fan be like, ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
11:33 because you know like that's when if you could see the graph of viewership, people are leaning forward in their chair. as soon as you see them set up the ball and then the ref goes, you can't pass it. i can't let you get close. we already finished the li tai storyline and now we're on the li zhi storyline. does anyone remember what the hell happened two days ago the last time we played this?
12:04 guess we could watch the video. oh, that's right. oh, you left that zero zero last time. i forgot let them get close. yeah hmm like what exactly remain deliberately silent or i like your majesty hope you got a big trunk cuz i'm putting my bike in it. oh damn ten years from now. he's gonna be like
12:46 oh, when she said that, when she said that she was showing that she liked me. oh, she was giving me a sign that she had a crush on me. oh, now i get it. cinematography by tommy wiseau. it does look like it's shot a little bit like when shit goes wrong in triangle of sadness. you are my rose, you are my rose. can you pay attention?
13:21 they ain't showing me anything i'm not familiar with. let's put it that way. this is... show me something novel, bro. alright, now this... i've never seen this before! it looks like she's doing... like, one of those... one of those workouts where they hang the blanket from the ceiling and you kinda dance around with it? i don't know what you call it. silks, that's it. yeah, she's doing silks, man.
14:00 what's next, soulcycle? never should have let my fertile ass back in the rear palace. now you're never gonna get me out.
14:15 it does have 12 potion slots. but if this was true to life, probably about a week after he got a girlfriend, he'd be using a different spot on the belt because he'd be eating so much takeout, am i right? and eating all sorts of yummy desserts. bellas, am i right? don't hit me with a question mark. you know how it is.
14:45 single men eat one of two ways. they either eat like a raccoon, only eat like corn based snacks out of bags, or they eat like marcus aurelius. like every single meal is just like beans, rice, and a little bit of lean protein. and then they're like, i would never compromise my nutritional ambitions. this is core to my being. all of a sudden, when his girlfriend wants to go out for ice cream, who be it?
15:12 i mean, you're not going to take her out for ice cream and then be like nothing for me. that's like a serious shot. the point of the ice cream is that it tastes good, but the secondary signal of the ice cream is we're both letting ourselves go just a little bit, but it's okay because we're letting ourselves go.
15:34 shit looks like marie antoinette. i know they weren't shooting off these firecrackers in the year 780, okay? my daughter picking out bath bombs. can i find out that at lush the bath bombs are $9.75 each and you use them for one bath?
16:13 oh shit. at the end of your turn gives you block equal the cards in hand? that's literally like one of the best relics you can get in the game and we just got it from a question mark. we got it from the fireworks festival event in act two. never mind, we're dead.
16:34 one thing i like about road to empress 2 is that in road to empress 1 the consequences were very associated with the actions you took so you would just like rewind one decision and then make a different one. sometimes you can make a decision like two choices ago that doomed you to this fate. that's when the despised one will get vaporized.
17:01 oh wait, wait the water's the water's three feet deep i guess i'll just swim they were talking about her like she was the chinese submersible i'm dying man. they ain't even looking at the fireworks. they're looking at the other way like a tungsten cape man
17:45 the cape's so heavy and yet simultaneously it also floats. how devilish. i'm sorry, i'm not trying to be an asshole. damn, look at her go. michael phelps, don't let go. oh, my bad, i clicked too much. damn, they've been swimming for like ten hours, man.
18:37 our past choices ripple forward. no! man, she's kinda strong though.
19:26 don't say tasha ben donjack. that's not...
19:55 i'm not even sure if you can say that. just because it's in a foreign language doesn't mean that that's okay, okay? that's glib. we don't do that here. they gotta invent some damn life jackets, man. forget about the roman candles. or as they called them, wait, no, this is post run. no, it's not.
20:40 we will find the criminal. must own to be a detective in the palace. well, we went to where she drowned.
21:11 there's water there. have absolutely no forensic tools or know how whatsoever, so case closed i guess. your wife will die and your boss will literally hit you with the see you on monday? nah man, not the xingqi yi jian. let's look, i think option one has got some drama potential. never let a good crisis go to waste.
21:46 head of the rear palace is probably how they felt when you were position number one in the human centerpiece. soon after you seek the request for a meeting with consort zhao and revealed everything to her.
22:03 yet the moment you left, she used the palace gossip to casually inform the empress of your secret visit. not to talk about the human centipede again, but like for the 99 people that were not at the front. for the person at the front, it seems like you're mostly just eating and getting your butt licked. it's kind of a, it's probably an improvement for the person that was at the front of the line. oh, so i'm getting killed for raising a thought experiment.
22:32 you are the only person the empress personally brought into the palace and personally sent away. hang on, his writing, is this flames? that's true. imagine how good it would feel to be in the human centipede and stand up on two legs though. and i know what you're thinking, oh yeah i bet it feels good if you're like the dude who's not doing any lifting, but i bet if you could fucking do it, being the person at the bottom of the centipede and doing like, it's like when my kid jumps on my back when i'm cleaning cat vomit off the floor and then i'm like,
23:04 i bet it would feel fucking awesome. it would be like picking up a heavy squad man. he cut all their acls didn't he? that shit happened to lindsey vonn. she still won the gold medal.
23:37 disguise as ruhr's ghost to claim her life or imprison her and interrogate her with torture. well, here's the thing i have no concept of which one of these would actually work, so i think i will choose the one that seems like it could be the most cinema. well disguise as the dog are we gonna do the hopping? does the mr. vampire hopping where you get the spell like stapled to your forehead? the joss paper
24:07 wait!
24:20 holy shit, she's tweaking man! that's not gonna work. that's ice cold. my prestige is going through the roof though. not the hair stroking.
25:06 maybe we were too harsh on lushi. she's kind of sick. damn beast mode that very night lushi also took her own life and followed you into the demise. she's a number one hater. she said there will be no peace for you even in the underworld. also i feel like i'm not trying to tell empress.
25:29 woo, how to do her job. i feel like if you're a ghost you have to keep your distance. you have to not let you get close because once you start shaking her it's like a scary movie 2 moment. if all the ghosts can do is shake me then like i'm not that scared that's just a person. you gotta keep your distance so you think you're gonna get haunted or something like that. scary movie 2 like when he fucked that clown.
25:56 remember when his penis got so long he wrapped it around the clown? the clown tries to escape from under the bed and he wraps the penis around his neck and pulls the clown back under the bed and like the fingernails scrape the hardwood floor? i'm watching this movie and my dad just killing himself laughing just like
26:19 just laughing his fucking ass off. like one of the funniest things dads have ever seen. and you know what? he's real for that. looking at the one before you, you decide, i mean we gotta see it man. damn with the two step? that's traveling. if they still called it.
26:53 i mean the physical pain is one thing but the loss of face is catastrophic.
27:23 who secretly tasked zhi jin to investigate lu zhi's father's fall. though subjected to severe torture in prison, lu zhi never betrayed any accomplices.
27:56 i've had the absolute shit slapped out of me! hold me back, hold me back. shatter her wish or fulfill her wish but in quotation marks
28:25 i'll show you what a true frame up looks like. yeah, he's just come for a job.
28:51 what? what? you're not the only one who's dead. you're the only one. you're the only one who's dead. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one. you're the only one.
29:24 or maybe he did. the lore drop. the ancient twit longer.
29:51 look at the stroke order. that's ai! that's ai! those are russian bots!
30:19 right, am i right? and they were roommates. well, not anymore. i still think she could be our best friend.
30:53 she killed your friend bro? she did not kill ruur. ruur died saving me from getting killed by lu shi. but that doesn't train, there's no transitive property for murder. ruur literally, i think she was just sleepy and she said whatever. like maybe she had some shit that was stressing her out that was going to happen in like a week so she was like this is a great opportunity to just like pretend that i don't know how to swim.
31:20 i literally think she could become our most trusted ally. either that or she'll be more miserable alive, so we'll get the last laugh either way. yes!
31:51 woman showed the pung yo what is it a dash extend the white devil with the fluffy brown hair comes in and asks excuse me. do you know where highway 406 is? holy shit, if they're all important, none of them are important man, but obviously we got to see it. oh
32:19 shofei shofei these are turned up with a show for your josh. we don't see no b's you don't come piece of it awkward. oh it's like she's looking through his phone who are you etching? oh
33:08 that's crazy that's crazy i'll never have those dumplings again
33:52 it's karen's last ziti! nah, janus was crazy for that one man. must have sucked to not be able to meal prep back then man. you really gotta make all the dumplings like to serve? come on, that's crazy.
34:19 the only reason that it's okay to make your own dumplings is because you sit down for like an hour and a half and make them all and then put, you know, like a hundred of them in the freezer. that's true not if you pioneer cold storage like we did in the first part.
34:50 it does suck when she describes your alone time as a brief moment.
35:20 shay, sasha to a horse at the title is she way pisa? we told she and her young home sweet shall be tower you sit here choosing she will eat or sit high she you wait has a fun for the guns he washes hashed highway since the food should of us how dare you? oh, jim act natural egg natural joe for a mention of our intuition. oh
36:00 and that was a big one. i thought that did way more than 10 hp. that felt like a 40 hp plus vulnerable to me.
36:23 oh, uh, drama! drama, they're plotting to kill me. yo, can you keep it down? i literally just ordered doordash from her. the hair is so crazy.
36:55 she looks like she's a california adventure. all you have to do is literally go, oh my god, i love what you did with your hair. how long did that take?
37:19 yeah, you bring the soup. soup's gone cold, i wonder why.
37:50 i got horrible news for you, buddy. wait, wait, wait. where did you did you invent this or did you steal this? because this is incredible. work like a red onion, play like a white onion, fuck like a green onion.
38:21 work like a red onion. play like... the only thing i would do, i find a red onion more playful. or even a green onion. i think it should be work like a white onion, play like a green onion, fuck like a red onion. but i actually think that that's awesome.
38:44 it's a tumblr post? that's pretty good. don't tell me that fish cigarette is stealing all their shit from tumblr. they're gonna lose so much aura. you can steal a little bit. great artists steal, man. it's not from steven universe. i know steven universe is putting his hands over his ears when he sees an onion, okay? like, i've seen enough of the show. i can write an episode myself right now, okay? don't lie to me.
39:13 what the? president man! they tried to fucking kill me! wait, wait, wait. hang on. not to get involved in the lore. thoughts on playing the crazy game that chibilly was playing yesterday? can we educate this new head a little bit about the history of double switch on this fucking website? they're really saying chibilly's done it again. he's found the crazy game no one else has ever played.
39:42 we invented double switch 30 years after it came out. also dealing with the revisionist history in chibby's chat is blowing my mind. people were saying like, i can't believe these games used to be popular. and then i'm typing this shit was on the sega cd. nobody played it. and then a bunch of like 22 year olds who have seen avgn are like, nah, fmv games were insNLy popular for awhile. no, they fucking weren't bro. i was alive.
40:07 it was just me, okay? there was no you knew nobody else in your school with the sega cd! maybe you knew somebody who had mad dog mccree. the cd rom for windows 95, but you knew nobody was rocking the sega cd!
40:25 i'm not sure if you're going to be able to see this. you're right. i'm not sure if you're going to see this. i'm not sure if you're going to see this. i'm not sure if you're going to see this. i'm not sure if you're going to see this. i'm not sure if you're going to see this. i'm not sure if you're going to see this. i'm not sure if you're going to see this. i'm not sure if you're going to see this.
40:49 the cycle continues now. who do you believe pushed you?
41:25 no, man, i don't want to see a little kid cry. instead we'll throw the slightly larger kid in prison forever. i don't want to see a five year old cry, man. let's put the eight year old in jail. sorry, nephew. it's gotta be done.
42:02 yeah, i'd say that is a joke.
42:36 damn, her ass got grounded again.
42:47 bro grounded his wife for like seven months. i know his golf game's never been better. picture him in the emperor's robes hitting the driver is so good.
43:17 i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
44:02 i'm a servant. a servant to the empress.
44:31 it's giving... who are the two twin sisters on 90 day fiance? someone's gonna type it by the time. darcy and stacy, that's it. yeah, yeah. and they were like, we were working at hooters. and then the other one steps in and goes, in manhattan. oh, i forgot about darcy and stacy. oh.
45:04 it's not like we're the same person, but stacey and i have always done so many things together. all different times of our lives. we even worked together. got hooters. we were hooters girls. that was fun in new york. in manhattan too. yeah. that was a big deal. it was fun. yeah. that and larissa. when larissa gets introduced to colt's roommate,
45:27 and then the roommate is like, i'm a gamer, i play video games. and then larissa's like, oh, do you know my favorite game? bloodborny. and then the dude does not know bloodborn! he's into his games. yeah. really? i love to play games. my favorite game is bloedebourne. have i ever played? bloedebourne? yeah. no. never. what is that? you need to build your character. it's incredible. rpg.
45:57 there are gamers out there who do not know bloodborne and then he goes no what's that and then she goes it's a game where you make your character. it's so crazy. i couldn't believe that i mean i'm not gonna say i support everything larissa has ever done but i couldn't believe that this so called fake gamer didn't know bloodborne.
46:25 i acknowledge you as my sworn brother. who the hell is larissa? you don't know larissa from 90 day fiance? she's a top 10 90 day fiance character for sure. let me open the 90 day wiki. don't even get me started on colt.
46:50 i got out just before the big ed hype. oh, by the way, your method is too aggressive. as the lowly attendant to the empress,
47:12 he would not dare accept such kindness. she was nice to me. yeah, yeah, i know. give me the soup. give me the soup. this ain't my first rodeo, kid. this was literally how my ass felt after all that molotov i had on last saturday.
48:01 so eating like a liter of molotong and two pounds of pure beef did something to my guts. she forgot about the damn soup. that's how you feel after eating the dr. pepper zero? no, i feel amazing! i think yesterday's stream had such crazy energy because i drank a dr. pepper zero at 8.51 in the morning. it was literally an elixir. heavens above, my dear aunt. without you around, there are still people obsessed with sending others to their deaths with sweet osmanthus soup.
48:37 what you got me like enjoy silica niche which are you doing the little kid cough man? he's coughing like that one kid on the disney cruise that our our daughter was sitting next to a dinner every night by the way, they just had a cold. they weren't like there's nothing worse go i'm not making fun of like
49:12 a chronically ill little kid, okay? they just had like a... they just had some kind of like rhinovirus, okay? oh, i don't need that evil in my life. they were doing the cough like...
49:30 and they never make any effort to cover their mouths. like kids under the age of five, it's just too much. like they spend 99% of their energy just getting the cough out of their lungs.
49:48 oh shit, the lead earrings. can i banter for a second here while we wait for this decision? technology has actually become too slick, and i mean slick as an insult. while we were away in march,
50:08 pardon me. we forgot to pack my wife's airpods. so we bought headphones at the airport for her to use. so she used them for the vacation and then when we got home she went back to the airpods and i got the hand me down
50:28 airport earbuds and then i was out of batteries in my earbuds so i went to pair those with my phone for the first time. i can't figure out how to pair them. it says if you take them out of the charging case they automatically enter pairing mode. that's a fucking lie.
50:48 and then it says if you have a different model, there's a button on it that you can hold to enter pairing mode. i've done the silent hill, i've poured over every possible angle to find buttons on these earbuds. there is no button and there is no button on the case. the case is just like a white egg that has absolutely, it's completely smooth like a piece of alien technology.
51:15 some of them have invisible buttons you can only feel with your fingers. oh my god. yeah, yeah, i've taken them in and out of the case like five times. i had her, she had the, i disconnected it from her phone and told her to have the bluetooth menu forget it as well. but like it just doesn't work. kate figured it out. yeah, but she's smarter than me.
51:38 you uncover the truth about the toxic earrings, what do you do? i replace them with an identical pair though.
52:00 damn, they sussed me out pretty quick. you really are a poison master. after that your body grew even weaker and the physicians could not help. so because i...
52:29 because i got poisoned. i was sussed out that i was going to be poisoned. they just went, ah, we'll just poison her another way. oh, you thought by getting safe from the poison, you would be safe from poison?
53:04 beast mode. new balance mentioned? how will you dismantle the alliance between consort yu and the empress?
53:26 make li zhi favor liu and ryle the empress, help li zhong become the crown prince, prevent li zhong from becoming the crown prince. help him become the crown prince, and then he's indebted to us for all eternity. oh shit, there are no strings on me. after the trial, tyler durden was sent to a psychiatric facility.
53:54 he was released in six months for good behavior. the kyren outfit that's above our station right now. we must wear the night suit even though it's the middle of... i was gonna say it's pitch day. i don't think it can be pitch day. the unnecessary mother too. the original email job. i love her, she's so crazy.
54:54 oh, i'm such a wreck. i've been writing memorials all day. i've been placing my royal stamp on decrees all day. just go for it, man. he's putty in your hands. alright, that's a little... that's a little fucked up. you sure?
55:36 mm hmm. you said it, brother.
56:01 i've just got a lot on my mind right now, but if... we could lighten the burden by making li zhong, the crown prince... i would be so much more relaxed.
56:33 he really hit one of those. stay or flirt then walk away? no man. his face is taking me out. i gotta know what happens. i gotta know what happens if we flirt then walk away. i can't let you get close. let him get close? i can't let him get close.
57:16 no, no, just take me back, man. take me back. he's gonna chop off my head for being too forward. damn, we're sitting at 198 intimacy.
57:53 so nothing changes? your decisions matter? okay. the comeback is not coming out. what the fuck? i'm not even fucking with you. is that general tso's chicken?
58:24 i honestly thought that was invented in like 1955 in michigan or something like that. it was, but he's a real guy. kind of like colonel sanders. we're building a team. general so, colonel sanders, captain crunch.
58:58 liu will be empress dowager when li zhong ascends or consort. this is too forward. we have to take the one that to me doesn't make any sense because if you click the one that makes sense, you get souped.
59:25 you have to slow play it. and then at age 81 will be empress for one day.
59:54 i'm sorry, but i'm not sure if i'll be able to help you. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. what's wrong? i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
1:00:19 that's why you keep the earrings. you can use them as a macguffin later. i know she's probably on like nine hp too. she's like get these earrings out of my freaking sight. rester smith, it's gotta be smith.
1:00:46 because upgrading a card early, it stays upgraded for the whole run. you gotta smith. first grounding and now detention.
1:01:13 no, no, no, not the disparaging look at the tea which means that that's obviously the... that's the maid cocktail. don't hold it in, it doesn't do anything! when you take a sip of something and then see the pop up that you just got a new compendium entry.
1:01:50 that's true, that's true, that's no good. what the hell was in the molotov, man? bro, is she gonna... dan, you might... this is a crazy spoiler if you're ever gonna play road to empress 1 or 2, dan. this is consort leo. at the sorry fate of consort leo.
1:02:29 yeah, dude, i'm such a baby that the dolphins make me cry.
1:02:56 second hootie and the blowfish mention. same pattern, huh?
1:03:25 she's got it. she has her wine. she doesn't need you. let her have a little alone time with the wine, okay? being a mother is a full time job.
1:03:56 go ahead and pour another glass of whiskey. this is the song that i would put in right here. you did this to her? she fucking gave me poison earrings bro! you mess with the bull you get the horns! and the kid tried to kill you?
1:04:38 he gave me a little push. boys will be boys. can i have a glass of water? can i have a glass of water?
1:05:17 shut up man. i'm not mourning for her! she fucking tried to kill me! she tried to poison me slowly over time!
1:05:54 and this is the day he ceased to be li zhong and he became the puppet master cheeky little watercolor work ladies, don't you hate it? he says, uh, hey wanna come over and hang out? all of a sudden you're watching him paint watercolors for like four hours you're like damn i could have been whittling my homemade shogi set at home. okay match each verse to the correct color on the left.
1:06:29 yeah, i mean i can do that. thanks for making it color coded. wait, can i do that? i got the first one wrong. read it? i think one of them said zao. i'm not even messing with you. the one that's like... good for them. first thing they tell you on day one though is maybe don't spin her around too fast.
1:06:59 my bad. my bad is so awesome. could you go to the southern province and get me some of those dumplings we had? remember a few... oh, i just have such a crazy craving for those dumplings we had in the southern province. do you remember that? the one that's three days ride away?
1:07:35 i'm sorry. i'm not sure if i'm going to be able to get the same result. i'm not sure if i'll be able to get the same result. what? i'm not sure if i'll be able to get the same result. i'm not sure if i'll be able to get the same result. i'm not sure if i'll be able to get the same result. i'm not sure if i'll be able to get the same result. i'm not sure if i'll be able to get the same result.
1:08:01 min yang understands. min yang understands. actually, actually bitch, there's something you should fucking know. i'll devote myself to your majesty.
1:08:44 no, no, no, no! that looks awesome. i'm just... it looks a little heavy for me. i don't... i don't want something that heavy. you had already been found pregnant, yet you never breathed the word of it. your concealment aroused the empress's suspicions. after your death, the empress seized the opportunity to strike.
1:09:21 pinning all the blame on dowager consort yang, everyone believed it without doubt. the old palace attendants all witnessed it. when she was still consort of elegance, she used her osmantha soup to end several lives. that's true! that's true! are you gonna wake up, pray?
1:09:57 oh, well. look free from the empress's control.
1:10:51 i forgot it. yeah, i completely forgot about her. snaz not okay, you can't be doing all that. oh fuck. her name's delilah?
1:11:25 i'm not going to let you go. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry
1:11:58 i'll hear your motive. that night you sent zijin beyond the palace. she found your sister's husband and enforced a formal separation. you ended 10 years of your sister's torment. you moron.
1:12:30 he's gonna get his ludwig. they don't have ludwig's scene shot yet. they're doing adr to make him sound like he actually speaks mandarin. made of some glowing green rock, we discover deep in the mountains what a priceless relic of mineral wealth.
1:13:07 no, it's protein! it's protein tea! that's literally protein cold foam latte 24 grams of plant based protein.
1:13:29 let's spread rumors that the child is a girl.
1:13:55 the game is getting crazy. i guess life's just a crazy world we live in. get me ten increasingly hot chicken wings and a big glass of milk. bring the sean evans showing up would be really good. bring the gui lo
1:14:29 the gui lo journalist with the head that resembles the fruit of the coconut tree. the oh yes, the inquisitive white devil. so, mei niang. it says here you used to be a nun at the ganye temple. what was that like?
1:15:00 we have to know. main yang, does this mean anything to you? oh, this is the bowl that the empress dowager consort yang used to serve osmanthus soup in. uh huh. i feel like i should have been paying attention.
1:15:25 push my lady. give me butterfly, sugar, baby. don't say ludwig is coming. imagine.
1:15:58 what the hell? she didn't even kill me, i just died. i guess i'll secretly take the abortion drugs.
1:16:26 is that safe to take? well, i don't know. it's not safe not to take it. there is a little fetus ludwig right now going, no, no!
1:17:00 yeah, yeah, no. hide them in the empress's chambers. so then we only took a little bit so it didn't take and then she discovers it and thinks that we did it and then she doesn't kill us for some reason.
1:17:18 you're groceries? did they have those back then?
1:17:46 some things never change. oh shit. her power level's too great.
1:18:25 rofin is a very powerful and powerful hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a hero. he is a
1:19:00 well, there's no getting out of this one looks like them duke empresses are getting out of that bucket of syrup again lady dimitrescu
1:19:45 she wear blundstones? how could her sister open the restaurant at the foot of kunlun mountain? her osmanthus soup became so famous.
1:20:39 you knew well that the true foundation of a flourishing age lies in the hearts of the people. there should be fewer vile children like li zhong in the world. what the hu what did he what did i do?! what did i do?! he didn't do anything! he tried to kill you? that was the little fella! no, that was him? whatever.
1:21:12 they're both sus in my eyes. because they were clear in each other. they could both be impulsive.
1:21:42 look at him. he doesn't even know where to get lingering in. let him be flogged to death or i'm gonna speak for him. i don't think i can let him be flogged to death.
1:22:12 i'll kill as many people as i need to to find the murderer. oh yeah, okay, no problem. who do you think i am, professor xavier? you mean investigate the entire palace?
1:22:40 long ass search
1:22:59 now she can die for all i care. vlog to death, maybe? vlog to death? same as the other guy? yep. yep, that seems fair. your majesty, that's... that's awesome! you're a damn genius! keep silent and mourn for her.
1:23:31 she got added to the archive, it was like when the people's pictures get flashed in the sky during the hunger games. i will buy you a new house. he's on that everclear shit. new house!
1:24:04 new house that uses rising sun as the theme song instead of teardrop. why you wanna take me to this party you're brave? i'm dawn to leave.
1:24:18 i understand why he's so pressed.
1:24:46 turns out all we really needed to do to balance the power was give the emperor some self esteem so he would stand up to the chancellor zhang sun. get some dirt on the road. oh, that's got to be at least 50 points each.
1:25:36 alright, now i kind of understand why he was so impressed. i thought it was just gonna be like a little townhouse or something, but he really went the extra mile. besides really fancy to the jar to shoot you. you see what he goes over to the scrolls. and when you got people over
1:26:09 it goes right into the wall. but you know that she's gonna grab a handful of snow and put it down the back of his robe, but if he did the same thing.
1:26:45 if he did the same thing, it would be an international incident. but when they put the snow down the back of your collar and it's the coldest thing that's ever existed ever, you just gotta be like, that was really funny. that was really funny. he broke both knee caps, just shattered. my lady, i can't, i don't think i can stand up.
1:27:18 she just kind of wanders, huh? everybody mourns differently, i guess, but... no, he's getting out all that resentment.
1:27:50 he's getting mugged by the emperor so he has to pass the the mogging on. and yet your gamer score remains diminutive and puny.
1:28:12 but i play yes we saw we saw you played king kong peter jackson's king kong for the original xbox some are calling it the most ill gotten 10,000 gamerscore you can get you get 10,000 gamerscore for beating the first level. okay, so she's a child who? 1000 whatever it's a social and she's your own children to push or show what champion the junk food it is only man should see
1:28:47 the world is a place where the world is a place of the most powerful. the world is a place where the world is a place of the most powerful. the world is a place of the most powerful. the world is a place where the world is a place of the most powerful. the world is a place where the world is a place of the most powerful.
1:29:14 no, i thought it only went in the one direction!
1:29:44 the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces, the most powerful of the four forces,
1:30:15 i'm not saying it's possible. yeah, meanwhile, guraie is absolutely right. councilman number nine. i've got tickets to the shogi match later. can we get this show on the road? i trust you, your majesty. look at my pathetic emperor, man. rose got his head on her damn shoulder.
1:30:53 you're supposed to be ruling the empire with an iron fist. you're a fucking chud emperor, father of my child. it's a big ass cell, holy cow. this is how my kids' playroom looks to me when i'm sitting in one of those tiny ass chairs.
1:31:25 the ceiling is like 30 feet tall. holy cow. she's like 3 bricks tall.
1:31:48 just want to go for a walk. it's been so long since i went for a walk you guys keep it down this is an emotional moment
1:32:10 can you explain the title? i'm so sorry to the youtube viewers. i'm getting head in the back rooms. i'm fucking the babadook. i'm eight inches deep in pennywise. bro, shut up. it's good! it's literally good! you censored head?
1:32:35 i got an ai warning that it wasn't befitting twitch's moderation standards when i didn't sense her head. my bad, it's alright, def k.o. it's not your fault, sean. it's not your fault. what?
1:33:13 beyond g! certified beyond g signer. maybe they didn't pay for his rights for the second game. he hasn't even shown up in a flashback. ludwig wouldn't work with him. ludwig said it's him or me. i want i want you put me in the movie, i want beyond g money!
1:33:54 i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry.
1:34:26 i was gone for five minutes what happened? gao yang got falsely accused of rebellion by the nasty vizier counselor zhang song. we hate our viziers don't we folks? we don't like them. kniving, knaving nasty little zhang xian. nefarious with his little plans. grima wormtongue i call him. we hate him.
1:34:55 damn, it's for the moon is fucking right tonight jesus somebody tell the toy somebody go turn the damn moon down where's the kyber crystal?
1:35:34 i'm sorry. i don't care how resolved i am if you leave the cell door open i'm taking a couple steps just to see what it's like in the hallway at least it's a little dry a little that's some type of shit you're still trying to serve a little bit it's a little too tan and rich
1:36:11 could you bring me a pinot grigio next? p.o.d. your paul giamatti after you drink merlot?
1:36:42 i'm a toys you're asking me i
1:37:07 she's like, oh, oh fuck. i think there's something in the wine. oh my god. i think, i think the wine's gone bad.
1:37:47 no, there was a diatom in there? don't even joke, lad. don't even joke. you endured a long and difficult labor. by your determination, the little life you carried was brought safely into the world. at the sound of your baby's first cry, relief finally washed over you. exhausted and grief stricken, you soon lost consciousness. okay, that's a killer shot. an heir to the throne.
1:38:28 it's so true!
1:38:59 pale, blessed the colored eyes, and serve the glory of the hine. i can feel it. sing along if you know the words. i can feel it coming back. yeah phil! we're drift compatible still! canada's game is about to start. he's out here being chinese. haven't you seen the crowds? i know you're from europe and that's fine. people in north america don't really give a fuck about the world cup.
1:39:29 prior to my country actually qualifying for the world cup because they doubled the capacity. i get that soccer canada is a little bit on a come up as well. okay, and to me mexico does care as well. and maybe like trinidad and tobago. but the only reason people in north america cared prior to that, at least in canada and the us, is because you got to show off like, you'd be like, what the fuck? what greg? you're dutch? yeah, actually my great great great grandfather came from amsterdam. he'd be like, oh shit.
1:40:00 i had no idea. he'd be like, damn this dude. i didn't know i'd known this dude my whole life and it turns out that his ass is croatian. when the hell did that? i thought we were all from fucking kingston, ontario. i was thinking about replying to the message that said, do you know mexico's in north america, right? and replying in a churlish way. like, do you know that i said that shit like eight and a half minutes ago, like federico fellini? we said, we said that they already got me for that one, bro. double jeopardy. you can't be charged with the same crime twice. they can't?
1:40:30 town crier is a great pejorative to use for people that come into chat to like drama farm. yo, did you fucking see what happened on blicky's stream? look at this. get a load of the town crier. wait, wait, wait. i'm just asking you. what now? what now? what now? what now? what now? what now? you want to know? please stop.
1:40:53 i can't let you get close. okay, you hit it at the exact time that the clip hit it and it sounded so good. how does he do that man? i can't let you get close. it's so good. it's like, like, okay, look, it's not a normal clip. i'm not saying it's not a normal thing ever, but like things are mostly normal.
1:41:13 and then he says that and you get like transported to like, you're like it's a video game suddenly. it zooms out and you see his outfit. you see his battle pass. i said i was doing the dolls and i said, uh, grain wetsky. and i think that's a free name for someone there. jan brady trying to name an alcohol. okay. you know, uncle funko? i don't know uncle funko yet.
1:41:44 what?! oh my god, bro, i'm tapping you into unco funko, bro. you're linking me to an unco funko... uncle fuckle. uncle fuckle. let me see. did you guys play the food guess? what that say? hold on. move your head. i'm trying to pronounce it. it say f fuck. i'm just trying to sound it out. but you're not sounding it right. fuuuck. no, no, no. it say unco. that don't say uncle? that say f fuck? it rhymes with unco funko.
1:42:12 i'm gonna get real quiet for me. it don't, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
1:42:34 justin did you see the video of cops playing gun pranks? oh, yeah, bro. oh, i did see that. yeah no, it was a horseplay. that's what they kept calling it. they're like, it's a little bit of horse. is that what they said? horseplay? did you see it justin? no, i haven't heard of it. it was a it was in like the cop house or whatever they call it in the garage and um one of them as a prank pulled their gun out on the other one it was like
1:43:03 and then the one that got their gun pulled on them like pulled the gun out and went and then it actually shot them so like so like it's it's it's a dash cam video from inside a car and like well i would hold this this off this officers driving up to two other police behind the car the one guy on the right like
1:43:26 pulls out his gun and points it at the driver like, ahaha and then it's like, it's like, i don't know, it's like five seconds elapsed and then you hear a gunshot go through the windshield and like hit the guy, he like grabs his shoulder. it's like i would have eaten two large cokes last night. no you didn't. did you? yeah.
1:43:53 can i show you a picture? i'll only plus two this if you... the end of the joke is that you ordered them from the movie theater. no, college junior. if you just said like, yeah, the movie theater has the best cokes or something, then i would plus two you. yeah, the movie theater, because they have the best coke. plus two. plus two. thank you, thank you. i'm gonna put a picture from the food guesser in discord real math. dude, his quote is all spiked by the food guesser, man.
1:44:24 yeah, look at the food guesser. dang! that's really good. it's cookie is out. it's little cookie is out. i liked the one that was a vote between a pussy and like a shitting asshole is what it looked like. when you mirror food, crazy things happen. this isn't mirrored, man. this is just the picture. oh, that's just normal. that's just, yeah, this isn't the scrandle. this is the food guesser. am i crazy to say that doesn't look that bad?
1:44:55 it's goaty, man. it looks like a butt with a cookie out. it looks tasty though. i'm sure it tastes fine. yeah, it does. i gotta see if i can. what's your big three? pretty cool. i don't know what's big three. your star moon rising. i honestly have no idea. sun moon rising. i think i was born at like 6 am on a monday. does that help? that probably helps, but i don't know how.
1:45:27 i was born at like 1am on a fat tuesday in louisiana. a fat tuesday? what the fuck is a fat tuesday? it's the mardi gras thing. and i know corey was born under a bad sign with a blue moon in his eyes. oh won't you tell me now? how do i keep typing the fucking password wrong man? sorry man, i'm cooked. it's too hot.
1:45:52 i don't know what any of this is. no, i know what this is. it's pussy boobies. i can't think of a third one. is that a cookie? i think it's a celebratory cookie. they're a skinny delicious person body.
1:46:16 yeah that was a good fucking guess right there no one for the occasion inhaling oh, yeah, no we're gonna take it a bit kory you're getting crazy so meaty hungry me
1:46:46 i ate so much meat with corey at a hot pot last week and i'm friends with corey. the salty hungry mouth food? mouth? jerky, beef, dude who wants a guy's name? fucking jack link bro.
1:47:05 is it oh dude, i thought slim jim was it after he's so good it's the other one the other one i
1:47:30 imagine though that i'm gonna snipe i think you lost us with squat man. oh dude oh
1:48:02 no! weka board? dust utensil? yes, man! i don't even have to say anything else. no? how is it not etch a sketch, dude? that doesn't help, man. i think it's this. it does! oh, i went through all the trouble of spelling kaleidoscope? guys, it was chalk.
1:48:31 it is used for the magic you draw like another world it's a tall place it's the pyramid
1:49:00 machu picchu it's in the mountains it is. who lived up there bro? who was living up there people? they still don't know! really? we should we should go squatting. do you think squatters rights applies to the building on the machu picchu? they probably wouldn't care. oh my god.
1:49:25 what's that one place that they're building that's like an entire world in a wall? and you're right, it's called the y. hey, akon city? get this, i'm sorry. akon city, bro! what happened to akon city? we need to pump crypto again so akon can get the funding for akon city. construction has stopped on akon city. it's kinda similar to great wall of china.
1:49:46 i can't believe someone in the fucking audience got it, are you kidding me? oh, so you're doing that bad, huh? oh wow, holy shit! i thought it was cooked. i'm thinking of long lines. i'm thinking of long lines. is this a line? is this a tourist line? yeah, i'm going to see disclosure data tonight, what are the reviews saying? 82% on rotten tomatoes, 6.3% on imdb.
1:50:17 no, that's a very summer blockbuster and they're saying it's spielberg spielberg's play in the hits, but with a little bit more of a humanitarian side to him now you seen ready player. oh, yeah was that spielberg? that was steven spielberg. yeah, man. i didn't see it, but i hate it. it's not very good i feel confident. it's not good. i still think about calling fucking forrest gump the first ready player one it really it is a hundred percent it is it's ready player one for people that were like
1:50:48 i grew up on the tv. for people who fucking beat off walter cronkite. well it's better than ready player one but they're both suck. they're both ass, let's put it that way. so i read a comment that said canada sucks and then it infiltrated the stream of consciousness in my brain. an elegant ballroom, you read it wrong and showed up thinking it was safari time.
1:51:10 or an elegant ballroom, they won't let me build it. an elegant ballroom and it what's the safari time one? i get the elephant one. they think it's an elephant ballroom. don't be mad at me, i didn't fucking try it. that has apollo written all over it, man. that's okay, you guys hate me, i get it. you guys don't like elephants, man. we do like them. i like them. yes. they're smart like dogs. they did, they ruined it by not letting him build it.
1:51:40 oh how do you ruin this man? watching the sunrise with your freshly dead wife. watching the sunrise i'm a damn vampire. well i don't care if you're a vampire. it's in his reference. freshly is just such a word man. that is scary.
1:52:09 did i do good? oh fuck. how many hard drives do you need to make your own data center? wait, i like this a small business ai data center.
1:52:26 a mom and pop data center. dude, i had a billion dollar idea yesterday, bro. like just open a coffee shop in utah and you're good forever. but you thought it was laguna beach or laguna beach election results. no, they probably woke in laguna beach. they have the sawdust festival. they have the sawdust festival?
1:52:57 yes, bro. it's just where you make bullshit and then you put on display. it's the bullshit festival how to save money gambling the united states of america 250 years of being number one, but wait, that's china's music the united states of america 250 years of being number one smitty water been yaga and mon jenson pulls up
1:53:24 whoa, what the fuck? is that a real name? oh my god, people in this car are so fucking old dude. i don't know who that is. is it smitty the guy from jackbox? it's smitty bro. oh, not even close.
1:53:45 he was number one, guys. come on. i thought that was from the piece of cake to bake a pint of cake show. lazytown! the united states of america. 250 years of being number one. but wait, that's china's music. america has allied with china now. they love the music. gee, save me please. gee! xbox gamer tags be like...
1:54:11 i don't get it. x i save me please x i. that's pretty good. okay. sorry. so i speak chinese, not roman. i tried to paste. thank you in chinese, but it wouldn't take the characters. it wouldn't take a tai shay shay. la jack box. you're in trouble. you're in trouble. you're on notice.
1:54:39 opening cs2 cases, navajo knife, navajo baja blast, navajo knife, navajo another one. all right, we're doing really good. navajo another one. they're both great. great minds think alike. i like that. i like that. i suck ass in this game, man. you got beat by chip. i'm coming back.
1:55:13 you mean you're coming back? i had some good ones, man. oh, well i came back. yay! hc justin. why is he winning every coming face, dude? the unicorn fought it. he's biting his lip and closing his eyes.
1:55:28 i kick my feet up when i like i like i rapid fire kick my heels to the floor when i come that saying no place like home. what are you doing? like i'm sitting on the floor and my legs are straight out in front of me and as i'm coming i'm just like kicking my feet up like left like alternating. oh, i like imagined you standing and like best drawing i've ever done
1:55:58 oh my god. whoa! cheezing! it's supposed to be cheesing, yeah. i couldn't quite get it right. so... that guy in the cold that every time this silence for two seconds goes, so... oh, come on reddit. oh, never mind. we're saved. bro, i can't draw shit with how fucking laggy it is. and i have hardware to draw on. i'm cooked. fuck it bro, you catch me this time of day, you're lucky i'm not...
1:56:34 read my, call me the lunch browser. hey, yes, man. when i get a menu, if i could even get one these days if they weren't all qr codes. you don't like qr code videos? i actually don't mind at all. it's embarrassing when you open your phone and open up the phone with like the camera app to take the picture of the barcode but then it shows your most recent photo in the corner and it's like you're like fucking cock. you know what i mean? well, that's because it's never happened to me. never?
1:57:04 no, man, no. oh, dude, i like alan. he? alan? my own research. alan's just a straight guy. oh, that's a guy. no, that's a great alien. my shit was lagging. well, if it makes you feel better, my shit wasn't really lagging and i drew the one on the left, so like, i don't know. so we're punishing creativity, i see. okay, i'll just create it. football head versus mr. cream pie.
1:57:35 mr. cream buy is pretty fucking cool. why is it football head? it's not really football shaped oh, oh lumpus this comically large snow cone or see the cereal emote i like shit, i like the cereal emote a lot something about the the dimpling on the snow cone is making me like uncomfortable like my brain is filling in too many of the gaps like is making it too real and
1:58:06 hello john leonen i'll be right back that cracked me up okay he's gonna die if he doesn't have a coffee in the next like eight seconds that's the way i read that what the fuck you still here alien alien helmet
1:58:32 he's wearing a space helmet and his name used to be he so it's funny that his name is a helmet. that's why i love i don't even see the helmet part i can see it. i kind of like alien alien pretty good. it's just a pizza into an alien okay, well whoa oh
1:59:08 well, whoever did the one on the right, their phone fucked them! why did they say something? wow, it's not supposed to be funky pop. yeah... oh, i thought it was! funko pop on the top of the toilet seat to make it easy to open. funko pop on the top of the toilet seat. yeah!
1:59:40 oh, are you the pop socket makes way more sense?
1:59:55 but it wouldn't stay open yeah, yeah, austin you're done bro don't need permission to rock this world trade center
2:00:18 writing my rhyme, pressing enter. the one thing i love more than rhyming is buckets. the spit in after i suck it.
2:00:27 okay, okay, i'm breaking down walls that block my streets jacking off my penis straight gloaping my meat my games turbocharged faster than an optimus prime. my penis is shiny and green call it gloap to mislime jubilee rime jubilee wrap that rhymes
2:00:49 guys, i've been practicing for a couple weeks. he said he's all written down. yeah, i have a ghostwriter now. it was in his notepad. i like both. i know kory and apollogon. everywhere i go, people freak, because they know my toupee is on fleek. when i'm done here, i'm gonna go whittle. it's something i've enjoyed since i was little. damn.
2:01:16 i never fall down. i stand tall like the burj khalifa. sorry, claude. i don't do ai. i fuck in a mask like antifa. my battle routine is brush loss and pointing. now shut up while i hit this joint thing. like an n95, right? i was really hoping we were going to get gay corey for prime month, but i'll take it.
2:01:46 there's some time. we don't know who is fucking. uh, yeah ladies the n95 stays on during sex people like me more than they like le boo boo in france they say i give you le boo boo. i'm a killer with a heart of beans
2:02:18 now get over here and let me rip off your jeans. no one likes the boo boos anymore, man. good, then they better like me more than them. no, no, no, it's all about neato now. i need to get out of here, man. what about swisski? i like swisski. i got a rare fuggler trying to offload some fugglers.
2:02:39 dude, fuckliss are in too! this is like the it's on glorpobit or it's on gleep. have you seen it on blowbo? bro have you seen that shit on labia bro? it's free on labia. that shit's on uhh... ball sack. sorry i just felt like i became a misogynist and i felt like i had to redeem myself but i couldn't think of something. you know what would be an awesome bit?
2:03:07 not telling anybody but learning how to do slight of hand magic and then whenever there was dead air in the discord call just like holding your hand up with like a ball to the camera and then doing some shit and then like it's a different colored ball hey, look, look look you're a king. so everyone else is just going like oh fuck i need to think of something to say and meanwhile you're going classes in session my bud and
2:03:38 ass you must freshen, you chud. you don't belong here, go back to your funeral. small load, common gooner l.
2:03:48 it was like it had a lot of commas. it felt like it was in japanese doesn't eat your comma. i can't think of anyone's sicker. mom's marinera could stand to be thicker. this mouth. you're moving like a sleepy tiger. radioactive i'll get my counter by geiger. whoa.
2:04:14 that was kind of good. it wasn't the best scene i have to not the best gene. i'll pick you though justin. i went nuts online. that's on the table. gene is against me and will die. i'm doing contact juggling in the camera right now. look, i usually give jeans a lot of credit for a little but this wasn't good. you got a pushy. dude, but imagine if you did contact juggling while be boxing at the same time.
2:04:41 when you're brighter for once you might need to put down your lighter you got no style got your clothes from a smoking section when you see smoke you get an erection but you just told him to put it away
2:05:05 when i think of you, i think of flex seal. spackle my crack and i'll bark for free as a steal. there are two things in life, death and beans. and i'm doing your taxes. what's the charge for ladies' jeans? alright, corey went nuts. that's literally... i don't even... that's not an insult.
2:05:29 don't know it's just funny that's insane man. how do you do that?
2:05:45 i did sabotage you a little bit before as well, sorry. oh my god. that ain't good, that ain't good. when we were driving to my parents house literally we had a 28 days later moment where a dude jaywalked across the street in a hospital gown and was like clearly not feeling well let's put it that way and uh he got we were like oh okay whatever then he passed our car and he had his ass cheeks just hanging out. oh my god.
2:06:13 you look familiar like an odd shaped ball sack. i'm putting you in the ground, my move straight marowak. i've got rhymes, all you got is... tanks. i stole your grandma's identity, i'm going to 100 bangs. i got it. why did you say i got stunlocked? because corey said, oh my god, like that was him.
2:06:31 i'll tell you after. give up your dreams because i'm gunning you down. now quick drop your jeans. you're running them brown. your flow's a disaster like a category five lightning. your flow's so chopped they should call you white thing. what the fuck? no racism! there's one rule! dude, we were walking downtown on sunday and we saw we were walking past the starbucks on granville. yeah.
2:06:59 and this dude stands up with like holding a hospital blanket with like, i don't know, like they look like scrubs but i think they're just like clothes they give patients in like a hospital. his whole cock and balls and ass are out. way, he's probably the same guy. yeah and he walks into the starbucks, that's what i'm saying. i think we still have the same guy. was he like, he's probably like in his 20s?
2:07:22 this is a skinny white guy, yeah. yeah, it had like a beard. it's the same guy, man. it's the same guy. because i saw him walking towards downtown for sure. he just walked into the starbucks with his whole cock balls and ass out holding his pants up. it's crazy. that's so crazy. they've probably seen it before, probably. you look like you were dressed by a gaffer. i treat you like shampoo. rinse you then lather.
2:07:51 it's funny that you think you're supreme, yet you're just a sheep in an android's dream. who is he? well, someone's booing me constantly. i've been booed through every single rap. i ain't sure what you're trying to relate, but i'd still join you for a lunch date. in the star wars universe, you'd be a wookie. i put money down on that with my bookie.
2:08:21 and then gene is reaching a chorus of cheers. i think chad has a gene bias. really? yeah, they love him. it doesn't help that every time gene raps, chiblee goes, ooh. i like him. yeah, because then he gives gene the chiblee buff too, and it's like double h. yeah, i don't know if i've got much of a buff. do i? watch this.
2:08:49 hey, i'm sorry. i really lost. i voted for you because i voted for me. forget ghostbusters for you. i'd call it data. i'd call ai data center. you're at a glory hole. is it man or centaur? nobody's going to push me. suck the dick. it was a centaur, a classic trick. there's a book about this called like the milk maiden or something. we have to milk centaurs to get money.
2:09:18 in the human gene pool, you're the chlorine. they made me an evil being, dark sith lord mr. palpatine. you try to match wits, but you can only match socks. wait, pull that down. wait, maybe we can match our cocks?
2:09:34 yes! i wrote that one in 8 seconds btw. i also had like 10 seconds i was holding a cat and it was just a simple it was like that old adage like you're gonna suck a dick sticking through a glory hole. yes, yes. man, like the aesop's fables type shit. they give you the same amount of time in here to write a rhyme.
2:09:59 as they did in that first game where you had to like write like what's your favorite video game? just a one word answer. dude, so i had my i took my kid to a playground on wednesday. another kid that was in an activity with her is like what's your favorite video game? i thought about it for a second said minecraft. learn from my mistake. if an eight year old kid randomly on the playground asks you your favorite video game say slay the spire because otherwise they're going to talk to you about minecraft for like an hour.
2:10:26 your game is weak, it couldn't hurt a mouse. i'll be real though, you looking good in that blouse. i won't give you the finger, i'll give you the hide. why don't you linger? let's celebrate pride.
2:10:38 i'm just saying i want to overrun the raps, but she was like did you know there used to be an obsidian bone in the game? but they took it out before they reach 1.0. she was hitting me with version numbers your wordplay is wack your threads are funky smelling stinky as those raps you keep telling you're riding my coattails like i'm an airplane call me a butcher the way i'm flame
2:10:57 i just got a an email alert for father's day sale for a flamethrower attachment for a gun. fuck yes. america is not a serious country. that's so cool.
2:11:14 i do love getting father's day emails from every store you've ever bought anything from. ever? yeah, yeah. like i bought some socks, i don't know, two months ago. never buy socks online. just go to the store. they solve this shit in like the year negative 3000. because now i get an email from great socks once a week that's like, celebrate the luck of the irish with these saint patrick's day themed socks. and i'm like, i don't give a fuck, man.
2:11:41 should have gotten darned tough. it might be. because you know i'm getting punished because i didn't want to get darned tough because it's a us company so instead i'm like what's a good canadian analog for darn tough and i got recommended this fucking e commerce funnel and now i'm like
2:11:55 show daddy means something to you with made in canada socks. i'm like motherfucker, man. i got a phone line that they might help you out with some socks, ryan. don't please do not give them my number. can you guess how much an under barrel flamethrower costs? $839.99. dude, i was gonna say $850. i'm gonna say $1,199. she was right, $350. $300!
2:12:24 know you can buy a lighter at the store for like two bucks and it does the same thing no, and then you just farted i'm gonna show you a picture from the customer gallery and you're gonna fucking laugh. okay, you're gonna that's actually wait that's rain will never be the same fire
2:12:50 bro, his name is mario. and his lost name's luigi. oh, we just got the fire flower. range day will never be the same. that's crazy. you can't bring that to the range. i think. bro, that's got like a 12 foot reach. that's crazy. maybe he doesn't plan to go back. that's epic! that's epic, man. i gotta go through this customer gallery, man. there's gotta be more gold in there. oh my god.
2:13:19 great ice melter. grace ice melter. that's so insane. also that does not look like an under barrel attachment. that's a fucking self contained flamethrower. it has no purpose other than to take like one photo of it and then you will never use it again.
2:13:39 i mean, i bought plenty of things like that in my life. not like a flamethrower, but... great product! just like a little kid? that's a little kid! that is like an eight year old lighting the ground on fire, man. no, it's not an eight year old, it's a grown man. he's got a cigar. he does, hulk. of course, corey. of course, you guys. that guy's clearly very cool. that's a magic trick, man. running low on testosterone? oh no.
2:14:10 i've been clearing brush and killing critters. he's been vaporizing. he's been vaporizing wildlife with his flamethrower attached it to my ar style 12 gauge shotgun. why?
2:14:26 so why is he wearing hip waders in the fucking... i've been killing critters, it's so crazy. i'm just gonna put one... i've literally just done these in order. you haven't even been selecting them. i've not even been selecting them, these are just in order. this thing is so much fun. a number of my family and friends are working one for themselves. he's just like, he's cooking his own yard.
2:14:54 everyone's just sitting there all in fucking company. it's awesome. well. hopefully is their property george w. holy shit george w. there is w. hey, dude get it. oh, yes, will holy yeah, i can't the moment. we're doing jackbox the rest of my stream is just going through every single one of them
2:15:19 why does the last one look like the gun is ten times smaller than the other one? will you end up taking your shirt off and shooting a video to put the team america song behind it? america, fuck yeah. awesome. that's the whole reason that you would buy this. we got to write words or it's gonna suck. oh shit, shit, shit. my grandma said the best thing about riddles is...
2:15:44 replace the first letter of riddles with w and take the first word of the game mode whittle joke. whittle joke. i just spat on myself. i'm a nasty little slinky that only goes one step because i can't go deeper than six inches. that's
2:16:11 not even anything to be embarrassed about, that's alright. let's all be honest, we're all really getting one inch in. what are you talking about? no, i'm just trolling.
2:16:30 i was really laughing when i typed in slinky that only goes one step. i didn't think anyone would pick it you ever see you spend sure when nature calls that goes every step except the one step the last one isn't ironic i'll tell you i had to choose between that and guess the other word middle school for me was like used toilet paper poopy
2:16:57 it's joke book back fellas. we're back. we're back man. oh, this is worse. they're picking my words and not making good jokes with them. i have more semi hard kind of guy than three blind guys or whatever. i have more semi hard kind of guy than three blind guys or whatever. okay. i like it. i had 20 seconds. why are they called road trips and not adventures?
2:17:31 i think that's like the best. it's so cool that it's a lyric that just you know, i know it's so **** man like what were they cooking up in there? yours thorough bad.
2:17:57 you can listen to the whole song because he just kind of like fucking destroys the guitar the whole time starts to get annoying no, and then he goes he does that like eight times in a row?
2:18:17 they were off the soju when they made that one they were they were my doctor said i had a bad case of the flat earthers because i'm scared to fly in a plane i want to open a store that only sells reality shows and call it netflix why did you laugh so hard
2:18:42 i was doing something, and he saw it and he respected it. no, no, he left before you finished reading the joke. i want to open a store, bro. it's so back, i want to open a store. that shit just hit me like a truck, man. i didn't even need the joke. i'm not voting for it, gg. what the fuck? oh, well, you're the only one. have you ever tried pussy washing? that's when you gay!
2:19:13 that was a joke for me! marriage is a lot like yoga instructors. they put you in a bind. my damn wife! my goddamn wife. my damn partner.
2:19:37 okay, it doesn't hit the same does it no it doesn't my partner brought home the wrong give me a second. okay, that makes me instructors a group of uncles walk into a bar and order some beer and
2:20:02 they don't know that what happens next will change them forever. damn, be like you working on netflix. i'm so old, i remember when the babadook was the dada book. wow, really followed his dear brother. cuz i remember when i was a baby, cuz i'm so old.
2:20:31 i'm getting head in the back rooms. i'm getting pegged by the bar. duke. i'm six inches deep in pennywise slender man ain't so slender. he's a good monster. these monsters are fucking
2:21:00 me love life's like all of a twist. i want some more. wait, me bow. fucking mad at me. i'm fucking this linda mug. i like my sex like i like my nathan's hot dog. quickly devoured by joey chestnut or takekukobayashi suspiciously capitalized the
2:21:32 oh, suspiciously capitalized man. that's like every message to be types in counter strike chat. yes. do you know my buddy john choi? no, i think me and john me and john choi man this shit we did we'll never tell are you kidding? okay, what are you fucking talking about? what the fuck is all of it?
2:22:04 so the damn manga. have you heard about the hammer challenge? that's where you can't touch this. yes, dude. not bad. don't do it to him. when i was a kid, we didn't have coolers. we had to blow on things constantly. pardon?
2:22:43 is it a fucking joke for me oh it's gonna be oh my god go for it twice in the last i couldn't man it gives you three minutes man
2:23:07 you couldn't get one? no, i just did the first one and then gave up and i did the second one immediately. so in 120 seconds you press the button two times. guys, this isn't a joke for me. you can't do it on this one. please don't let my previous decisions affect my current performance. why did the crazy hamburger cross the road? i'm not sure. let us ask him. alright, you know what? you did it.
2:23:44 i forgot joke boat takes like 25 minutes if they do around to what the fuck oh, i'm good. okay smile apollo. oh
2:24:09 i hate this guy man enjoy your points ryan, enjoy your points he's not happy with winning only, he needs more a group of uncles walk into a bar and they're all wearing cool uncle themed t shirts about fucking uncles fuckles you know what i mean? it says fucking uncle fuckles how am i lost? my latest joke was heat i should have muted for my stretch, sorry guys
2:24:41 i think we brought a jackbox back after a year for this. stacked lobby of the same five people who keep showing up for jackbox. new jackbox comes out eventually. i still open an invite with chat. we should do new jackbox.
2:25:03 every time you come in last you have to take off a piece of clothing. my god. no, every time you have to put on a piece of clothing until you look like that one weezer music video. dude pitching nude jackbox and then like next time we play jackbox everyone just has no camera on and no one mentions why.
2:25:24 but everyone in the call is going like whoa they're going whoa because kory took his hat off and now we know he's bald hey hey kory i don't know what bald like boy is taking off his underpants before his hat just to be sure
2:25:46 guy who plays strip poker and pulls his dick out like fucking first hand. he's folding pocket aces. he picks his jeans off and doesn't have underpants on already. oh no!
2:26:02 that's good. that's good stuff. corey, is it a compliment or an insult that i didn't know you were bald for like the first four years i knew you? i don't care. it's fine. i don't think it's either. it's just a matter of fact. yeah, it's just a... it just is. yeah. okay, well, that's good because it was five years. it wasn't even four years. what? new opportunity from twitch sponsorships? yeah, they send you the email and you go look and it's gone already. yeah, i know that one.
2:26:29 must be cool man when you live in new zealand you get two of them when they first launch it and then you get none ever again well, don't worry. they're they're they're launching a new thing. i don't know if you saw on the discord where they're helping us meet other partner streamers that's what i want to do is meet more streamers. i've been dying to meet more of these fucking idiots that's my english teacher i'm baku. you should know that it's from an anime. i yes, i know anime
2:27:00 do you? yep. oh, dude. i've got a back end of knowledge. yeah, i bet you got some back end knowledge. that's one piece of clothing. well, ryan, have a good trip. thank you. later guys. bye. it's true. i'm going away for a couple weeks and also
2:27:33 my wife is not live, so i have to find somebody to raid. the hell? world cup on the damn homepage? um, if only there were four streamers that i was just gonna call with. and that worked. now we're still alive and i can fucking choose one of them. oh, that's true! apollo's having his fucking... i was gonna call it a sombrero thon. a subathon
2:28:09 it looks like they're playing some mahjong. i will send you over to apollo's subathon. i'll keep you guys posted and by eye, me and my wife, i'm sure, will keep you posted on when we'll be back. but it will be two mondays from now, i think. well, no, that's not true. let me make sure. it's not this upcoming monday and it's not the monday after that. so i guess it's three mondays from now.
2:28:37 my birthday is june 30th, man. that's great news for you because it means i will be live. i will be live on your birthday, which means it will be a very special day. good night.
2:28:47 lightning crashes, the moderator dies. the confusion levels hands and go down the new chatter down the hall. oh, my streamers ranting once again. you know what i'm saying?
2:29:10 the confusion levels heads. the confusion is a doobie level in heads. see the glory of the high, high. the fetus opens her eyes.
2:29:28 the confusion sets in and gives birth to the fetus down the hall. oh, my fetus setting in again like confusion. thunder leveling heads put the fetus at the center of the setting in. pale blue colored eyes.
2:29:56 confusion sets in to the angel down the hall. i know what you're saying. that's dude, that's a classic from the 90s. that's a 90s classic without a doubt.